What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 00:17
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Who then, do I blame.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He knew the spot.
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I will be 64.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Would this be the day?
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She married twice! .
He resisted the act ,that day.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
So, i spoilt her more .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ive learnt so much.
It was going to be , some day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But, we were locked up after school.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is soul school!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What did i know ?
We all went to grammer schools
Put me off passion for life!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So whats the point in blame.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She wouldn,t have been !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
I don,t even have a pension.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Comes on , in middle age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I never cut or harmed myself..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was seconnd youngest,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She found it foreign!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was very sick at this time too.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My family never makes their pension either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I waited trembling.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My life is so biszare .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were not on the streets..